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You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one. Dale Carnegie
I just do not hang around anybody that i don’t want to be with. Period. For me that has been a blessing and I can stay positive. I hang around people who are happy, who are growing, who want to learn, who don’t mind saying sorry or thank you … and are having a fun time. John Assaraf
You are the average of the 5 people you spend your time with. Jim Rohn
You attract who you are, not who you want — John Maxwell
Humans are extremely social creatures, so your quality of your life depends largely on the quality of your relationships. A lot of your well being depends on your your family, friends and lovers, so choose your love and friends and see the good in your family. Learn to say No to the good, so you can say yes to the great. Connect with more people and stay connected with the ones that help you grow and have fun together.
Talk about Relationships
Talk about Relationships
Talking about relationships improves the quality of them. This is common for women, but not so much for men, who lack support networks and are afraid to open up and share their insecurities. In a lot of cultures man are supposed to be strong, but only strong men can open up and take the courage to share their feelings. The book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" talks about some differences between Men and Women. When facing a problem or difficulty women like to talk about the problem, while men go into a cave to think about it until they find a solution. Opposite strategies frustrate both of them, so it's very important to understand their differences.
Steven Covey in his book The seven habits of highly effective people defines 3 types of relationships:
- The codependent relationship. Most of the couples are together because they don't want to be alone, necessity is not a good reason to be with a person, and these relationships always become bitter. Why? Because if the other person needs you, you end up blaming the other person for things that you wanted to do and didn't do. If you can you should break this type of relationship as soon as possible because it limits you. Your partner needs to be sufficiently happy being without you, then you will be the dessert of the relationship.
- In an independent relationship both members are happy by themselves, they have their own friends, lives and goals. They have some plans independently and some plans together. This is a superior type of relationship compared to a codependent, but it will feel strange if you are coming from a background of codependent relationships.
- The ultimate relationship type is an interdependent. You respect each other individuality, and complement each other to grow together. Nurture love, growth and positive feedback into a independent relationship and you will both enjoy being together for a long time.
In an interdependent couple, both help each other grow. You can see each interaction as an energy transfer. How do you feel after each interaction? Is your energy higher or lower? Experts show that a healthy relationship has at least 5 positive interactions per each negative. This as true for your friends as it is for your lovers.
Daniel Goleman talks in his book Social Intelligence about the 3 brain systems in love relationships:
- Attachment: who you miss when they are not present.
- Care taking: the person that you want to take care of, and nurture.
- Sex and Physical contact: remove worries, enhance and bond the couple together.
When you activate all 3 in a relationship, you create a very strong bond with your partner. In the long run, the most important is caring, you want to know that the other person will be there for you when you need them.
Aristotle — 'Misfortune shows those who are not really friends.'
How do you feel loved the most? How do you show it? What's the favorite way to receive people of the closest people around you?
Dr. Gary Chapman, defines 5 basic love languages — words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time and physical touch. Which is your favorite way to receive love from your partner? Which one is your partner's? Which one do you show?
- Words of affirmation: Praise your partner on things you like, give nice words of affection. Your partner need those words to feel important to you. Text telling that you are thinking of them often, never take those words for granted.
- Acts of service: For them one action is worth more than a thousand words. Do something for them often. What do they would like you to do for them?
- Gifts: small material tokens of affection. Penguins share stones with their partners. It's not the cost of the gift that matters, it's the fact of thinking of them and getting it, so they feel important to you.
- Quality time: Unconditional attention matters the most to your partner. Leave your phone on a side and give your 100% attention to them. That's how they feel important to you. Look at them in the eyes.
- Physical touch: Feelings are important to them, and the closer you are the closer they feel you in the heart. Kisses and hugs are a necessity, and the more the better. Massage, hold hands and be playful.
Notice that you can show a lot of love in a language that your partner does not understand and you could use that energy showing love in the love language that they understand.
Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Steven Covey.
John Gray talks in his book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, that men like to forget about their problems while women need to talk about them. It frustrates women seeing the husband watching TV after a stressing day. The best way for a man to lower stress is solving problems, like watching sports and thinking they know what their team coach should be doing. On the opposite side, women enjoy talking about drama in soap operas, which present a lot of interpersonal challenges and conversation opportunities.
Choose your life partner well
Choose your life partner well
Sit down and write which traits do you want in your partner. If you have a partner with those traits work together on the relationship like you would do in the beginning. Never take the other person for granted. Be grateful for having them, bring excitement, care and love to your partner as if you were both on your first date.
Everyday we have more choices or things we can do in our life. You believe you are more free and make better decisions, However the more options you have the more unhappy you become with the ones you choose, because your expectations increase with more options, you are not sure whether you made the best decision and you regret that you missed some other options. Try to get rid of the feeling of missing the opportunity, the opportunity cost lowers how happy you are with the decision that you make. An option will make you happier than no option, but too many options reduce your happiness and distract you.
For example, I've decided that I'm going be with a person that helps me grow, loves me unconditionally and we have a lot of fun together. Once we live together for a few years we'll marry and have some children.
When you like someone, the halo effect boosts all the positive traits on the person, while you don't notice possible incompatibilities. That is why your best friends opinion on your date is very important, as they can see the picture from the outside. Ask them for honest and sincere feedback on the person you are going out with. Traveling together or being in strange situations is also a very good way to get to know your partner better. Calculate the ratio between positive and negative interactions, because happy couples have more than 5 happy interactions per each negative one.
Connect with others
Connect with others
Most of the people go through their CV when they meet someone. Get to know the other person and have an experience together in the real world. Ask open questions to get to know the other person. Avoid yes/no questions and use open questions instead (How? Why?). You believe more what you experience than what you hear or read. You can say you like music but you will really show it having a great time in a concert together. Talking about you past relationships, fantasies and life experiences bonds more than talking about the weather. Do something fun and active, real life activities are more fun than a movie where you can't talk that much. Cannoning, ice skating or a concert are great places to go. Psychologist Arthur Aron proposed 36 questions that accelerate becoming intimate with another person.
Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen
How can you deal with people feedback? The key is not to let it in,
Here are some strategies that you can use:
- Thank you for sharing that. By appreciating the other person point of view, you say something (silence would be awkward), and point out that what the other person is saying is only their opinion.
- Could you repeat that please? Most people won't say it again if they don't mean, and will think about it twice.
- Are you trying to hurt my feelings? By asking this you will find out why the other person is saying what they told you.
- Do you know that critical people are the their own worst critics? You can let the other person know that you don't want to be at the same level.
References:
The 36 Questions That Lead to Love - The New York Times
Dan Ariely: On Dating & Relationships
Daniel Goleman, Social psychology
John Gray, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, Book by Gary D. Chapman
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